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- Act for Implementation of J.Y. Interpretation No.748
2021-03-14
Reluctant to let her go
Her daughter was around 4 years old when Judy finally decided to make an adoption plan. A kind neighbor introduced a couple living locally who was desperately to parent a child. After eighteen long years, Judy received the unexpected news from the Child and Juvenile Adoption Information Center ( CJAIC ) that her daughter wished to make contact with her.
RELUCTANT TO LET HER GO
Judy's Story
Both I and my boy friend were in our 20s when we started dating each other. I was a little older and my boy friend was just being discharged from the military service. We were happy and carefree, living harmoniously together for a while, unfortunately once he found out that I was pregnant, he got cold feet, the pressure of the practicality gradually testing the duration of our feelings towards each other. Regardless of his reasoning that his present job was unstable and insecure, I urged him to get married and start a proper family. He gave me a point blank refusal and chickening out of marriage commitment. I was very cross and wouldn't accept his reasoning and finally we parted ways. I was convinced that I could raise the child by myself, furthermore my family supported my idea and would give me a helping hand. This gave me the firm decision that even without a partner, I would keep the child.
CAN SHE BE HAPPY STAYING WITH ME?
However, reality is ever so cruel! After the birth of my daughter, my parents helped me to look after her and in the meantime I brought in meager wages to support the family. Sometimes later my father got ill, my mother couldn't look for other jobs, our financial troubles at home increased tremendously and the living expenses of the family dragged us down even though I told myself that I had to bite the bullet over and over again. The heavy burden of looking after both my father and my daughter physically and mentally became a great liability to my mother. At the same time I worked long hours day and night and in order to ease the stress on my mother, I sent my daughter to the day/night nursery care. No matter how hard I tried, the life at home didn't seem to get easier. I started to doubt that my initial insistency of raising my daughter alone was the right decision. The conflicting emotions I was experiencing gave me no comfort and peace. After discussing things with my family time and time again, I felt compelled to bend to the reality of placing my child for adoption and find her a forever home.
Through the introduction of a neighbor, my daughter was adopted by a couple who couldn't have children. The couple seemed to be kind and without financial difficulties. I believe, since they were eager to rear a child, they would take good care of my daughter and treated her as their own. No matter how reluctant that I felt, I handed over my daughter to their care and terminated parental rights.
True to be told, I could have had the chance to contact the couple and finding out about my daughter's wellbeing through the introducer. But, as I was bound by the agreement of giving up visitation and communication completely, not making any contact with neither my daughter nor her new family, I figured there was no way that I could break the agreement, furthermore I had no idea if my daughter was told by her adoptive parents her true identity. I couldn't image what would happen to them with my sudden appearance.
SELF-REPROACH AND SENSE OF GUILT
After the adoption, endless of weeping, it was like my heart was pierced through, the excruciating impact of the decision gnawed at my heart, I was depressed and lived through periods of low tide days. Everyone in the family missed her dearly. There were times during the family gathering we discussed the possibility of reversing the situation. My father on his deathbed said his biggest regret was not able to see her granddaughter before he died. I was mortified. Moreover seeing my divorced sister raising her own child, I blamed my own weakness, a sense of guilt and self-reproach encircled me long and hard. Enduring long sleepless nights were entirely my own fault. Even though over ten years had passed, and even after I got married and had a son, I still miss and love my daughter, in my heart there is always a tender part that belong to her. All my family members remember her fondly and always wondered about her wellbeing.
Finally, as if the all mighty God had heard my prayer. From my previous tenancy, I received a letter from the Child and Juvenile Adoption Information Center（CJAIC）relating to me the adoption case happened years ago, and in the meantime told me that my daughter is searching for me. My heart immediately was filled with complicated feelings, happiness, marvel, doubt and indescribable emotions. Mediation of the CJAIC lead to a meeting with my daughter. First of all and as a precaution, the social worker explained the procedure, asked questions as to the reason for my parting with my daughter in the first place, my feelings and my present life condition. Possible consequences and situations that would arise in the future were outlined and explained. They cautioned me to be mentally prepared. Their deep concern was highly appreciated.
Due to my daughter's busy schedule we didn't get the chance to meet right away and arrange the actual face to face meeting took longer than estimated. In a way it gave both of us a leeway to evaluate and ponder the pros and cons and have solid mental preparation.
THE MEETING
At the long last, we met! Seeing her acts politely, gracefully and knowledgeably, I was convinced her adoptive parents also love her and treat her well. That realization was like a heavy weight being lifted from my shoulders. I finally believed that my initial decision of placing her for adoption was not wrong, because I could never provide her with what I think is the best for her and it is because I loved her so much that I chose adoption. She would never have such a desirable life as she is having now. With the lead and help of the social worker, we chatted and shared the information of our separate lives. I described and explained to her the reason I had to make such painful decision at that time.
In spite of the short meeting, I was grateful that my dream had come true. We had exchanged the telephone numbers and digital ways of communication, however, my daughter had not informed her adoptive parents about the search for her birth mother, let alone meeting her. I had to respect her and gave her some space in order not to cause her any difficulties and troubles. I remember well a Chinese belief: "An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break"
TO THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS " NO ONE CAN EVER SNATCH HER AWAY FROM YOU, BECAUSE YOU HAD GIVEN HER A SECOND CHANCE"
Reunion with my daughter began sometime ago. Under the circumstances we couldn't have much of contacts. I wholeheartedly believe the relationship between my daughter and me couldn't be rekindled in a short time, but I no longer have the feeling of loss, since for me she was lost and now is found. The lack of closeness between her and me means there is a strong bond with her adoptive family, I realize that the family may have gone through difficulties, differences, days of joy, days of sorrow, through sharing and changes, but at the end remains a solid core, which is love.
Here I would like to give some of my thoughts to all the adoptive parents. Please don't be afraid that adopted children's decision of searching for their birth parents meaning they are leaving you. There is the need for the child to find the truth. It is the human nature to be curious about hers/his birth parents and roots. Having a child means a piece of your heart is walking around in the world, you have been taking care of the child for such a long time, you are her parent in fact and there is nothing which can replace your love and care for her. The birth parents can never have the power to overtake this precious fact.