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2017-07-28
To know the wonderful you: A daughter_ Kathy's story
Kathy was been adopted by the couple from America. She found her birth mother through the CJAIC as she was nearly 40.
TO KNOW THE WONDERFUL YOU
A daughter_ Kathy's story
From as early as I can remember, my parents have always been open with me about the fact that I’m adopted, and they gave me the gift of seeing it as something special and to be proud of. During my mostly happy, typical, American childhood I sometimes wondered about my birth mom (interestingly rarely my birth father), but only in an abstract or fleeting way. I always planned to try to find her someday, but once the internet came along I never got much further than an occasional browse on the internet. Later when I became a mother myself I didn’t have the time or emotional energy to look, so I put off any search.
In late 2014 I started a new job and a colleague at work who had lived in Taiwan introduced me to her friend who worked at the Child and Juvenile Adoption Information Center. I could not believe my luck that there this Taiwanese government agency exists with the sole purpose to reunite adopted children with their birth parents! I sent them the few birth papers I had and responded whenever they reached out to me with questions, but I tried not to get my hopes up too much over the next 6-7 months. They did all the work and made it so easy for me.
Then in August of last year I received an e-mail from the Center which I read while riding home on the train. It began, “I found your birth mother and got her response. She still remembers you.”
I was stunned and thrilled. I couldn’t stop smiling, but once I got off the train and into my car I cried and cried. You see, after having my first child I soon realized that there’s absolutely no way that you can grow a baby inside you, give birth, and then subsequently forget about that child. But while I knew this intellectually, reading these words exposed a wound that I didn’t know I had. It gave me recognition that I didn't realize I was seeking.
Over the next several months we politely e-mailed back and forth sharing bits of information and pictures. It’s odd to get to know a stranger who shares so many traits that you recognize in yourself. We have a physical resemblance, and I learned that I inherited from her a practical nature and strong independent streak. Learning about my family medical history was less fun, but certainly valuable.
We made plans to meet in Taipei a few months later. As our plane touched down I felt totally unprepared but I was determined to be open to whatever happened and whatever feelings surfaced.
The next morning I anxiously took the elevator down to meet her in the hotel lobby. When the doors opened we both recognized each other immediately. We smiled, hugged, and I remember being surprised at how very calm I felt. I suppose I was expecting an emotion-ridden reunion (like in movie The Joy Luck Club), but while there were some happy tears I was really just curious about this woman standing before me. I'd pictured this moment my entire life and couldn't believe that it was actually happening (and was nothing like I'd imagined).
The three of us spent the next few days exploring Taiwan, eating food, buying souvenirs, but mostly just trying to get to know one another. She was funny, smart, considerate and incredibly open in answering all of my questions even though I could tell it was sometimes difficult for her to talk about.
I studied everything about her, as I’m sure she studied me: her hair, her hands, her lips, her walk, her personality. I tried to figure out what matches me and what doesn't (and in the process became curious about my birth father who unfortunately has passed away).
I could hardly have scripted a better reunion experience, but it was still difficult at times. When my birth mother married later in life she never told her husband that she gave up a child for adoption, and she's still not prepared to tell him today. And while I know this has nothing to do with me, it’s hard not to feel hurt when you’re being hidden.
Meeting my birth mother has been one of the most transformational experiences of my life, but not for the reasons I expected. I think conventional wisdom is that meeting a birth parent puts a missing puzzle piece in place, that it fills an emotional void.
If we’d met when I was in my teens or early 20's that may have been true for me. But today, as a self-aware, grown woman, who’s happily married with a husband and three kids, that just hasn’t been my experience. The transformation for me was a reconfirmation that I know who I am, I know what I stand for, and I’ve always had all the love and support around me that I've needed.
Me and my birth mother plan to continue to write and see one another. I hope that someday she may get to see my family (who’ve been nothing but supportive). This has fulfilled a life-long dream, introduced me to a wonderful woman, and given me greater insight about myself and who I am. I am forever grateful to the Child and Juvenile Adoption Information Center for their diligent work and care in making this reunion possible.